Well, I've found the inspiration to get back to work on my fanfic, just need a copy of Oblivion, and the Oblivion Strategy Guide that I left back home. I had a copy for the 360, but some jackass pawned it off along with a buttload of my other games about a year ago without my permission, and has long since lost them...

But anyway...

I have the inspiration to work on it again because now I have the time since I have my own apartment again. But I need a decent PC to play it on, and my vista laptop has not worked for a really long frikin time. So I think I might use my roommate's PC since he's at work most of the time. Only problem is that I just don't feel right using someone else's PC. But he wouldn't mind.

I have to reread it, and bite the bullet in terms of editing and correcting. Recently I sent someone the URL to it on fanfiction.net, and realized how bad of an idea that was because of all the errors that I left behind. But hey, if I can get the time to play Oblivion, and get back to writing, I'll be fine. Also I need to grab my sketchbook and put it to use again. I miss the days back in 07 when all I had was time, course I could always make time here. In the winter, I'm going to have nothing but time, especially with how much they are going to be cutting back my hours at the restaurant. They don't like to pay for labor they need during that time, so go fig.

Alright, just a heads up to what few fans of my fic I had left, going to get something done now, night.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "So, does it bother you that the entire archived material folder you have is about 50 miles away in a small cabin in the woods?"

Kain: "Maybe the story will actually move a bit quicker, and be less messy."

"So I asked a liberal if he wanted to go shooting with me. He said "No, I'm leftist, I can't shoot." So I said to him, 'well, it's good you've come to terms with your disability.'"
Me

So far, a week here has done me pretty well. It's been a long time since I've had a place to finally just rest my head every night without bouncing back and forth between friend's houses. Course, I don't quite feel like I live here though.

Nothing can really replace the feeling of where I actually feel like I live. It's strange, you can have land, you can have a place to go every night, but there's really only one place where your soul feels like it belongs. The property that's about twenty miles outside of town, the pine tree farm. I feel like I should be there every night.

I grew up in those four walls, and I always feel like that's the place where I sleep soundly. So much has happened there, and so many memories took place there. I grew up hating that place, but as I got older, and reached adulthood, I found myself appreciating it more and more. I haven't slept in my 'real' bed in over a month, and I feel so homesick.

But even when I go there, something always feels like it's missing. Those of you who know me intimately know full well what it could be, it's my mom.

I know I told myself that I wouldn't think about her, that I would push everything out of my memory. For a long time, I was able to do that, but I'd be lying if I said that she didn't come up in my mind once in a while. I really did put so much effort into forgetting about her, even down to forgetting her name. But honestly, who am I kidding? The mind blocks out traumatic events, but some things are embedded permanently.

Kevin still honks his horn when we drive by her cross on the side of the road, even if I don't. I still try not to look at her pictures, but when I hear one of her favorite songs play on the radio, I have to stop and block out the flood of incoming memories that I know would slow me down. It comes as a tiny ping in the back of my mind, like an alarm bell that tells me to think about something else quickly. I guess I've been spending four and a half years doing my best to lie to myself.

You think that someone's going to be there through most of your life, then one day you come home and they're gone forever, how do you move on from something like that? I wonder what she would think of how far I've come? Would she be proud of me? What would she think of Sarah? Would she want to help me get a Harley since she like them too? What would be different? How much different would things be? What would she think of my artwork? Would she read my fanfic? Would she want to know what all I'm doing? If I told her that I would drive that day, she'd be still alive. I waited for her to come home, but when she didn't come back, I just left.

Even now I fight back tears as I dig deep just to think about her. I try not to blame myself when I knew that I shouldn't have let her drive, but what else can I do? She was just supposed to bring her truck back down to the driveway, not leave. I expected her to be back in half an hour, but three hours later, I had to leave for work. She was supposed to come home. She wasn't supposed to be out, she had just worked an all nighter. She was too tired to drive, much less by herself. It was my fault.

I never did apologize to my dad for yelling at him that night he broke the news to me. I've lost track of the porcelain doll that I bought for her, and I forgot how to play her favorite song on guitar, hell I've forgotten how to play guitar. Now I'm not sure I'd want to let her see me now. I'm going to just end this journal now before I get any more depressed. Forget the endquotes and such, Goodbye for now.

Well, the block party went pretty well. Kevin and Billy didn't get too drunk, and I didn't have to worry about getting them back on time.

Here's a bit of news I might have forgotten to mention. I'm going back to my karate class, after being gone for over a full year. The reason why I left last time was because I was weak. Not in body, but in spirit.

I still missed you-know-who a little, and during classes I used to expect to see her smiling like I was used to long ago. But that was something that I could handle, even if it did depress me. Then one day before class, I saw her there. She was sitting beside Sensei's desk and she refused to make eye contact with me. I didn't stick around long. In fact, I never came back. Hell, I didn't even plan on coming back ever again. My heart just couldn't take it. I'm pretty sure she made herself scarce as well, but I couldn't take the chance. I had to get the hell away from anything that would make what still hurt any worse.

Course, that was just a few days before Sarah and I got together. Fast forward to a year later. I was mindlessly surfing youtube and found that I had some martial arts vids in my favs still. It started to bring back memories of my training from way back. I found myself wishing I was actively training again. Course, it just so happened to be on a Tuesday, and it just so happened to be about half an hour before class. I decided to watch that days session just to see what all I had missed.

After watching half the class go by, I decided to spar with one of my old classmates who happened to finally be a black belt. He was amazing, just a year ago he was only purple, and still working at it. Now his defense was nearly impenetrable. But what impressed me more was how fast I was able to move. I was able to reach into openings I couldn't before, and get myself out of harms way faster then I ever could. I don't attribute that to skill, I feel that it was the less body fat that my body was lugging around. After all, how else could I move with such ease? I was still sloppy from not training though. But I had a renewed sense of where I was, and felt compelled to get back to work. Two days later I was back with the class in uniform and it felt like I was back home in a sense. But with a couple pluses!

First off, You-know-who was nowhere to be seen, and I heard that she hadn't been back in a long time, which made me happy. It's not that I would be afraid to see her again, It's just that I don't want to give my territory to her...ever. Not only that, but my former 'friend' who mocked me a few months ago who I deleted hasn't been back either. Much to my dismay in a small way because I'd love to 'spar' with him again. Second, there's a lot more dedicated students. The one's who really pay a lot of attention actually seem to be interested in what they are doing, only the kids slack off, and there's a lot more dicipline in the crowd. Hell, a couple of the kids who are just joining don't seem to want to miss anything. It's like they actually WANT to learn, rather then just show up for the sake of showing up. There's even a man who's part of a local gun club who can get me to a concealed carry course a bit quicker.

I'm going to get my CCW permit now since I'm putting off joining the army. After all, I have to have my sidearm, and open carry can only go so far without someone whining and bitching about it being out in the open. Truthfully, I do get a little nervous at the thought of people trying to pull a "Scooby Doo" when they see my XD on my side.

The "Scooby Doo" Behavior is when someone believes they see something wrong, and decides to call the police first thing long before they take a moment to examine what's really going on. Because most people mentally portray themselves as heroic and righteous, so when they see a moment to be "heroic" they try to catch someone doing something wrong, and end up in trouble themselves. Which is what happens to some people who open carry. But most often times, that ends in the caller suddenly getting a reality check, the city getting a lawsuit(which they inevitably lose), and a long day of hassle for the guy (or girl) who was carrying.

Hell, if it does happen to me, I could use the money in this shitty economy.

But in other news. My roommate has been opening up to me in the few hours that we get to interact in the morning. He is definitely going to feel it when I have him dieting and exercising, but I expect him to lose weight faster then me. I'd have him come to Karate class if his schedule allowed for it.

Also, I can only show up to Karate class once a week now. The Sarah that I work with got herself fired for a pretty stupid reason. First, she didn't show up on a day she was supposed to cover for me. I got a call from Billy to go to her apartment that was just a couple streets down from me, and see what was going on. But she didn't answer when I knocked, and when I called her cell, some guy answered, and said she was passed out and hung up on me. I left her a voicemail telling her that if she wants to keep her job that she had better call work and explain things. Instead of doing that, she just sent me a bunch of texts bitching at me about how she doesn't have health isurance and that she's "got bills to pay". She even admitted to using her last minutes just to send me those texts. The next day, she didn't show up yet again, and then the manager said she's over and done with. I even offered to let this woman take some of my hours to help her pay her rent. But it appeared that she didn't seem to want her job. I want to say that I feel betrayed, but honestly I could care less and less.

Sarah C. is a child, and always will be. She never likes to feel guilty about anything she does, and wants what she wants, and gives only a shit and a half about anyone else. In fact, she's never apologized for anything without being sarcastic. She runs away from anything that scares her, even her own guilty conscience. She has made no attempt to get ahold of Kevin, Billy or me, which is not surprising. In fact, I noticed that on facebook she's now friends with the very enemy of Kevin, his slut of an ex wife. Seems like she'd rather stab someone in the back then say "I'm sorry". Now I doubt she'll have the money to keep her apartment, and her retarded three way open relationship that has been failing for quite a while, so her supposed boyfriend and girlfriend will have to find a place to live together. What's kinda funny is that she was involved with her "Boyfriend" in an 'open' relationship for a while, and now he spends more time with another girl then her, in fact, I always end up bumping into those two without Sarah, rather then with her. Another retarded thing about her is that she has refused to change her facebook profile picture, it's a picture of her and a girl whom she's not even allowed to speak to. Yet knowing she's better off disassociating her, but instead she intentionally leaves that particular picture up for the world to see. Dumb bitch, I think I savor her being gone. It really pisses me off that she decides to stab friends in the back just for the sake of running away from consequences she doesn't want to face. Oh well, as long as she's far away, things are much better anyway.

In other news, I've decided I really need to start piling up my ammo. My roommate has about 300 rounds for his Mosin Nagant and it reminded me that I don't keep a whole lot of ammunition for my guns as it is. Which is pretty bad considering my need to shoot something. I should get a couple ammo boxes, but it's easier to keep pistol ammo in the boxes it comes in. I picked up a box of PMC for my XD45, which is a humble start. Now I need to get some 00 buck loads for my Cobra shotguns. I should get some target loads with it just so that I can...hmm, I still have a bunch of target loads at my cabin. Nevermind that.

Anyway. I've finished bitching and ranting, now time to get some rest. I love you Sarah M.!

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "If only being a backstabber was considered a crime, then people would straighten up. Otherwise, a lot of people would end up in jail!"

Kain: "Face things rather then run away from them. Otherwise, you might have an angry mob on your hands."

"You drive me crazy, but I love you so much! Asshole!"
Sarah talking to me last night

Josh is going to be working all Halloween, a double shift at his job. He's going to make a shitload of money, but he's not going to really do anything but sleep afterwords.

Kevin and Billy need me as a designated driver for the block party they are going to tonight. Honestly, I don't want to go, but I can't let them try to drive home drunk. That, and as the alcohol kicks in, I'm going to have to lift Billy's sidearm so that it's not on him when he's intoxicated, not that he would ever reach for it, but someone else might. I'm going to be carrying my XD openly, which is perfectly legal in this state, and considering where we are going and the crime rate there, it's a pretty damn good idea. We'll probably meet up with my old friend Hallie, who will no doubt be happy to see us all again. But it still sucks to be amongst a bunch of drunks while you're the only one sober. But again, someone's go to babysit.

I let my roommate play Fallout 3 for the first time, and he found himself locked up in the world of the game, not even bothering to look away for about 14 hours as I went to sleep, got up, went to work, and came back. He spent his entire day off playing it when he wasn't paying the bills. It was probably a bad thing to hand it to him since I'm trying to pull him away from his computer desk. But I haven't really started to work with him yet. I told him that I'm going to give him two weeks to indulge and enjoy all the food he wants before I start having him work out with me. He seems to be okay with that. There's a small weight set sitting in the corner of his closet that goes up to 40lbs. I think that might work if I can't get him to take the three block walk to Kevin's. Not only that, but push-ups, sit-ups, and jogging are going to be big things since that's what the army has you do most of the time.

He seems understandably distant. I'm the first human other then him to be in this small place for years, and so I can understand that he's going to be slightly edgy about me being in his territory, but he does enjoy the conversation. Mostly he apologizes for holding me up if he thinks that my attention is obligatory. In due time, he'll be at ease, and he won't have to feel so tense. That's why it's a good thing that I'm giving a couple weeks before we even start working on his weight.

I just hope that he's going to be okay on the drive home from work. When I said he's pulling a double shift, he's going to be working 24 hours straight. Holiday pay, and ovetime will probably pay for the repairs to his car. Which is something that he has been talking about. At least he's got that discipline. But I wonder if that's the first bit of self-discipline he's had for a long time. Either way, it's a good sign. He's at least got his priorities straight.

My back is hurting now from hunching over this laptop, and I'm getting tired, so I'm going to close this journal and get some rest. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Dammit, do I have to keep these guys on a leash?"

Kain: "Try not to break too big a sweat."

"Japan, land of the pedophiles! I'm going to hell!"
-Me

In a strange turn of events, I've found a place to squat while I'm in town almost indefinitely.

Those of you who read my journals long ago before I cleaned them all out would remember that I used to be trapped at Kevin's for days, most often times weeks with no way to get back home (mostly due to him not wanting me to leave). Well, I had been trapped at his house yet again for about three days, and one morning, I just up and went for a walk around town at about 3am just to clear my head.

For the last couple months I've been bouncing back and forth between Kevin and Billy's houses just to make sure that I'm in town to make it to work so I can actually keep my job. During my walk I was starting to get depressed over the fact that I'm tired of squatting like that because it makes me feel like a homeless bum. Then an idea struck me, I had a friend who was living by himself with his own apartment, and I figured that maybe he wouldn't mind me moving in and paying a part of the rent. To my amazement, he said yes with no hesitation when I asked. Josh is his name.

Little did I know that I was pretty much the only social interaction with people that he really had. So when I walked into his apartment, I was shocked at the mess that greeted me. There was trash everywhere, and the place was lacking in furniture, except for an office chair, a TV stand, and a computer desk. He said I was the first visitor in over a year and a half in the two and a half years he's lived here, and thus he never really went out of his way to do any cleaning. Hell, this guy didn't even sleep on a bed, just a little bedding pad that he would lay on at night and cover himself with a coat. Here's an even bigger shocker, he makes about $20,000 a year!! His motivation in life was gone, and he had confessed that he had contemplated suicide, and attempted it once or twice!! He's 300lbs overweight because he consumes about 5,000 calories a day and doesn't exercise!! No wonder his self-esteem is so god damn low!

I couldn't believe how fucked up things became for the poor guy. His dignity is pretty much non-existent. He really was alone in life. So I weighed a few things on my mind for a bit, and made a very big decision:

I'm going to put off joining the army for about a year to help Josh out. I can't just leave him like this, with no dignity, no self esteem, and not a friend in the world. No, I can't do that. I graduated with him, and he's a very different person then he was back then. Actually, come to think of it, he didn't graduate at all, he got a GED, which I'm going to leave out that story because it's something that I'd rather he nor I never remember. (it's something he deeply regrets, and thus it should fade away.) I was in his position once, and there's no way in hell I can watch him suffer.

I helped clean his apartment, and though it's not really done yet, it's getting there. I'm going to help him lose his weight, after all, I lost quite a bit of belly fat in just a couple months, and so I can easily see him losing quite a bit of weight the same way. He has some weights that we can work with, and he's within walking distance of Kevin's house, so getting to that garage/gym won't be a problem at all. That, and I'm going to try and have him hang out with Billy a bit, because they are both computer geeks, and they love anime. Billy works out, and thus that influence will help Josh keep a desire to work out. Josh wants a career in Law enforcement, no different from me. So I'm going to ask him what he thinks about going through the buddy program in the army with me as an MP, which will pretty much bypass a real need to go to college in turn for actual on the job police training.

This guy needs a friend, and I'm going to go out of my way to help him out, the same way Jeremy helped me out nearly two years ago. Sure it would be great for me if I left for the army immediately and got rid of my debts, and got everything I waited so long for, but Josh has attempted suicide, and even though he failed, he's still slowly killing himself off with his lonely lifestyle.

I haven't broke the news to Sarah just yet, but I only hope that she'll be okay with me putting the army on hold for a bit. Hell, she'll probably read this journal first, so Sarah, if you do read this before I tell you, I hope you're not going to be mad. I love you.

Alright, I'm going to close this journal now and get some sleep before I go to work.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "HOLY SHIT!!! This guy might need a god damn MEDIC!!"

Kain: "Wow, he's going to need to get out more, make that a priority too."

"Hello, Crime Scene Clean Up, 'You pop 'em, we mop 'em'! "
-That's how I answer the phone.